why seek why desire why love

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you think you'll never be lonely again

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People don't understand what I truly meant when I tell them "I've given up on relationships." Most of my close friends are attached. I wouldn't say the couples are happily dating but at least, they must feel a deeper kind of satisfaction. Something strong enough to draw them together, to sustain. I gave the idea of 'falling in love' another chance but I was struck with disappointment again. They tell me it was the wrong person. They tell me that the 'right person' will come along. But this cycle tires me and at the end of every disappointment, a little more of me dies. The damage it leaves on me runs deep, the naked eye cannot tell. Relationships now scare me. It requires chance and trust I no longer dare commit. Alone, I am less hurt. Hence I need self-control. I need discipline. I need that kind of grip on myself. Just to know I'm not yet broken. My friends and family will not understand why I have to do this but as long as it keeps me alive, I will do it. 

 I commit myself to change in 8 weeks.

and those who prefer to be sad alone

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See, the thing is. I have a problem. I always had this problem. I get tired of people easily. Even the ones I love. So I am always running away. And I end up running away all the time. But the people who truly know me, they understand. They know I will be back. But,

I don't always come back as the same person who left. 

I worry I will not last.

It's not about geography or happenstance 
You need to fly and take a chance 
You don't need to soar to emptiness 
And float on high and forever dance alone 
You're scared 'cause I feel like home
  I hear your voice and I knew right away
If you were here what your eyes would say
I have blood on my feet as I walk away
Rivers are red, it's starting to rain
  I'm not gonna live for you or die for you 
Won't do anything anymore for you 
Because you leave me here on the other side 
You leave me here on the other side

- Rachael Yamagata (Sunday Afternoon)

heartache(s)

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I do suspect

I am about to suffer another great fall

I will bleed; from my heart it will pour

I was tempted by an apple gone bad
though I came to love very much

who was but poison at first touch.

- Rey

we

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What are we? What am I? 

Invest your genuine interest and emotions. 

Dismiss everything artificial. I am waiting. 

I am real. If I fall, I will bleed.

It comes and goes as subtle as the wind.

This thing called love.

It comes and goes with the stealth of death.

- Rey

this is my monster

"Just because I’d stopped starving didn’t mean I didn’t still have an eating disorder. My eating disorder felt the same to me. It took up the same space in my head, and driving around the city to find the perfect comfort foods took up as much time as driving around the city to find the tuna with the lowest sodium content. It was still there. It was the other side of the same coin."

— Unbearable lightness

(source: tumblr) 

Truth is, once you've crossed into its path, you never ever get to walk out of it or turn away from it. That's the truth. You live with it every fucking day of your life. Your mirror evolves into an evil breathing organism and every time you look at your own reflection, your head nods to its putrid whisperings and you honestly wonder, how such an ugly thing like yourself has existed for 20 years. It's not easy. Eating or starving. Recovery or degeneration. It haunts you everyday and everyday is a struggle, a battle with mind and body, down a dark path that seem to disappear at the end of the horizon, only to creep up from behind you again in one complete circle. This is my monster. Inside me it lives. Sometimes it's quiet. Sometimes it's on rampage. But most of the time, it's me. 

- mindscarred

and it sounds better

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Eagles (Joe Walsh), you were supposed to sing Pretty Maids All In A Row when you were in town. I didn't attend but, I always try to imagine what's it like if I heard Pretty Maids live. I think I'll end up crying and by the end of the song, I probably would have had a flashback of everything I had done and finally abandon my Peter Pan Complex tendencies. I'm...just saying.

'you'

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(source: tumblr)

for your enjoyment, James and Anne, the one true pairing at this year's Oscars <3

you

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I can't.  
I felt like you were         godsent.

most beautiful part

I was just chatting with Crys today over Skype:

[9:57:23 PM] Crystal CSF: ai yo
[9:57:39 PM] Crystal CSF: why must things be so complicated
[9:59:21 PM] Desiree Rey!: well..that's my life hahaha i'm stuck with excess baggage. it's like i either have quiet and peace that's too quiet to take, or complications that mount like a fucking enormous backpack.

something bad

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i probably live in fear everyday, wondering just when it will come to an end. debra talked me through last night, where I very nearly burned my house down with a semi-wet tissue and cigarette butts (of course it was not on purpose). i figured i have to be patient. and wait. and watch. and swallow every tear that falls. i realise, that there isn't much of a difference between fearfully happy and sad. they both suck the life out of you, somehow. so, how much longer can i wait before i am completely drained?

mental slavery

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i am deathly afraid that i will fall 'sick' again. despite it being my darkest period of my life, 

when i think back now, all i can remember was how much i lost and how good it felt to be so light and small. 

i feel that need again. the need to shrink in my skin. the need to shine by becoming insignificant. 

i feel the toxic bile surfacing in my throat. disgust. disgust. i want it all to disappear into dust.

cease my existence in order to exist.